Smoke Break
by galleywinter
Summary: During an inquest after Sovereign's attack on the Citadel, Amanda Shepard takes a moment to catch her breath.
This is the first canon piece I've written in forever, and the first piece that even makes mention to Amanda's "new" canon of Ashley making it off Virmire, too. Also one of the only ME1 era pieces I've written to date.

Couldn't have been done without Eleneri Penneth. And also that bottle of wine.

* * *

The fire escape landing on the twelfth floor of the Alliance CentComm office had a commanding view of Arcturus Commons, a metal railing, and precious little else. Lieutenant Commander Amanda Shepard leaned against the railing, closed her eyes, and took in a deep breath of the still, recycled air, thankful to God that her crew was safe on Arcturus. Thankful for the moment of perfect quiet.

 _God_ , was she thankful for the silence.

She was not, however, thankful for the inquest she was currently undergoing. She understood why it was necessary: under her command, Jenkins had died, Ash had been severely wounded, and her decision had directly influenced Admiral Hackett to order an action in which twenty turian cruisers and eight Alliance ships had been lost. The fact that every single one of those actions had been unavoidable and ultimately assignable to enemy action mattered both to her conscience and the brass, but that didn't mean the process she was currently enduring was any less required. Or any more enjoyable.

The hydraulics of the door behind her hissed warningly, cracking through her solitude like a sniper's report and serving a harsh, sudden reminder of what was expected of her. Amanda shoved off the railing and, with practiced ease, pulled the discarded pieces of Commander Shepard back into place: her spine was perfectly rigid, her hands held at perfect parade rest, and that media-trained, perfect, surface-level warmth plastered onto her face.

"Commander?" Kaidan's voice cautiously asked as the door cycled fully open. His cover was tucked under an arm, and his stance was loose. Informal. All of which indicated that he wasn't fulfilling an official request to retrieve her.

 _Commander Shepard_ tumbled away as Amanda sagged against the railing in relief. "Hey, Kaidan." If they could have seen her, her media trainers would have bitched her out for the warmth in her voice. Right now, she didn't give a damn.

He joined her on the landing, the door cycling closed behind him with a muted hiss. "What are you doing out here, ma'am?" Formality because of where they were, she knew. Not because of second thoughts. Or deciding that the idea of the two of them together was a massive mistake. At least she hoped. "Pressley and Joker and I. . . Well, we were, ah, worried about you." He took his cover from under his arm and clutched it lightly between his fingers as he carefully braced his forearms on the railing next to her and matched her lean. "You sort of disappeared after that last round of questions."

Amanda reached up with one hand, carefully and pointedly undoing the fastenings of the collar on her blues, leaving it to flop open as she pulled in a deep, unrestricted breath.

The silence stretched between them, broken only by her long exhale. "I'm taking a smoke break," she finally said.

Kaidan's brow furrowed. "But you don't smoke." There was the briefest hesitation, his eyes flicking to the grating under her feet and her jacket pockets before he appended, "Do you?"

She wanted to laugh, could feel the giggle bubbling in her chest. But the media training ran too deep, and her behavior - and his - had to be perfect. There were too many eyes on them here, especially if neither one of them wanted to consider Ilos a mistake. Instead of lacing her fingers through his like she wanted, she gave him a grin and a half-hearted shrug. "Nah. Sometimes I wonder if I should start, though. If only so I could get away and just _breathe_ for a minute without anyone questioning why or trying to figure out where I've gone."

Kaidan stretched his shoulders, the motion broadening his back and pressing the line of his bicep against hers, if only for a moment. Amanda took that as a sign that Kaidan "Rules and Regulations" Alenko was not, in fact, considering Ilos as a personal mistake. Relief was a warm rush in her chest, making her feel more free than the solitude of the fire escape had. "Breathing's definitely a good thing," he said. "Unless you believe my old DI."

Amanda snorted. "Unless you believe _any_ DI."

She pulled in a final breath, feeling it stretch her chest and settle in her lungs before rushing back out again. "Guess I should go back in there," she murmured.

Kaidan didn't respond, but the weight of his gaze was heavy as she fastened her collar and tugged her jacket straight.

She dared to lay her hand on the crook of his elbow for the briefest of moments, warmth radiating through his uniform and into her palm. She wanted to savor it, to savor this moment of just being with him. Of just being herself.

"Thanks for the smoke break," she said instead.

The barest curve of a grin flickered across his mouth as he dipped his chin in acknowledgement. "Glad to be of assistance, ma'am."

If they'd been any two people anywhere else, she would have thrown her arms around him. Instead, Amanda's fingers curled around Kaidan's bicep, just barely, giving just enough pressure to be felt. She decided to take the twitch of muscle under her fingertips as reciprocation. "You know," Kaidan murmured, "you've got me thinking maybe I should take up smoking myself."

She gave herself a moment, crouching to retrieve her cover from the fire escape grating at her feet and settling it squarely on her head as she stood again, and then eyed him carefully from under its shadow. "Maybe you should," she said. "I hear smoking's better with company."

She turned and headed back to the doorway, and as surely as she'd put her uniform back to rights, Commander Shepard slid back into place as the hydraulics on the door gave their warning and began to cycle. She offered Kaidan a smile, and she hoped he felt the true depth of it. "Time to head back to the wolves, Lieutenant."

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he answered as he pushed off the railing and fell into step just behind her right shoulder.


End file.
